AEgritudo

Many things have contributed to my dislike of so many people. Mainly it's stupidity. Why is it that people always have to say exactly what is on their mind? When did the idiom "think before you speak" turn into a taboo? It seems the older people get, the more careless they get with their words.

But also, I recently learned that my fiance was not a virgin when I met him. I think I knew it conceptually, but actually hearing him say that he had slept with someone else was scary. I know he loves me, he does want to marry me, but just knowing that he felt, at least physically, about another woman the way he does about me.......it's kind of disheartening.

Steve and I started dating my senior year of high school. He had graduated and I was still a public school sheep, being herded from hour to hour. All throughout high school I had noticed him in the hallways, the music room, the auditorium at school assemblies. But, I didn't have the courage to talk to him. Besides, he had a girlfriend. His senior year though, something changed. He talked to me. Me! Now, I am no beauty queen, but Steve has the look of a Greek God's Sculpture. The fact that he had even talked to me set all those half-forgotten thoughts of true love and prince charming whirling about my head. But, he had a girlfriend.

I tried to forget about him, but he just kept talking to me. He would play with my hair, my heart would stop. I thought at first that he was flirting, but no, I told myself, why would he want to flirt with me? So, eventually I was asked out by this computer nerd, thinking he was a nice boy I accepted. Big mistake. He was probably the worst boyfriend I ever had (including the one who dated me for three years and then told me he never loved me, even though he would say it all the time). Still, even though we were both "taken" we still flirted. Then, school ended and I thought I would never see him again. I saw him a few times from a distance, but never said hello. My lame boyfriend dumped me for work and I clammed up in my house when I wasn't at work.

But then my senior year started with a two week marching band camp (yes, I was in the band), and there he was. Steve had shown up at the high school for no perceivable reason. The last day of camp, one of our friends said, "Hey, you two should come to my house tonight for dinner." We both agreed. She left the campus but minutes later called me, "Sarah, tell Steve that he should bring his girlfriend." I told Steve.

"I broke up with her."

"Oh, I'm sorry." Pause. "When?"

"In about three hours."

"That sucks," YES! YES!YES! I awkwardly hugged him. The feeling of him in my arms was exhilarating.

"No, really I'm glad. I can't take her anymore."

I left to get ready for the little party. When I got to my friend's house, he was already there. We spent the night talking and generally having a good time. It got close to my curfew so I left. Steve left at the same time. I saw him in my rear-view mirror the entire way home. I thought it was pretty odd, but didn't really think anything of it until he pulled onto my street, a cul-de-sac. I parked my car and asked him, "What are you doing?"

"Nothing," he replied. "I just wanted to talk." We talked for about a half hour. I told him I needed to get inside. He continued the conversation and walked with me to the door.

"Alright, well, I'll talk to you later."

"Yeah...you have my number right?"

"Yes...Okay, I'm going in. G'night." I opened the screen door and was reaching for the steel door when I heard --

"Sarah." He grabbed the wrist still on the screen door, pulled me towards him and kissed me. And now I'm not talking about a cute little peck on the lips. I mean he passionately kissed me, held me to him and made me stop breathing. It was everything I had not dared to want, not to even imagine. And it was mine now.

There was a bunch of drama following this. The least of which being his ex and our friend (the one who invited us to her house) who was in love with Steve. I loved him from that first kiss, and he has told me he loved me since before.

My friend (in an effort to sabotage my relationship with Steve) once told me, "He slept with her you know. At least thats what he told me, he said it was amazing. But, I'm sure you can live up to that."

I never asked him about it because I thought it didn't matter. But somewhere deep inside that question was just waiting to be asked. A couple weeks ago we got smashed at a party at college. We got back to my room and started making out. I stopped and asked him "Did you sleep with your ex girlfriend?" He didn't answer and I'm pretty sure I started talking about stamps or something that you would only talk about if you were drunk.

The next day I remembered what I had asked, and that I hadn't gotten an answer. I asked him again on the phone later that day. "Steve, did you sleep with her?"

".......I'm not going to lie. Yes, but I regretted it from the moment it happened. And I regret it even more knowing that you weren't the one to share that with me. I'm sorry."

"It's okay." And it was. But, now that I think about it, it scares me.

If he could care for someone that much and then leave her for another girl, how can that other girl ever feel truly safe? He felt exactly the same about her as he does for me. How do I get over that fact? How do I get reassurance that he won't leave me?